Friday, August 10, 2012

"5 Things Friday" goes to the dentist.

I had to go to the dentist yesterday.

Normally, I actually like going to the dentist.  I like having my teeth cleaned, and getting to just lay there for an hour, half-asleep and drooling in this fancy reclining chair, while the hygenist chats away and I don't even have to make conversation back.  Then I get to leave, feeling rather rested, with bright shiny teeth and a brand-new toothbrush and pack of dental floss that I got for FREE!  Dentists, for the most part, are pretty OK in my world.

Yesterday, however, was different.  Yesterday, I had to get a filling.

We've talked before about what a wimp I am, and I wish I were exaggerating, but unfortunately, I'm not.

Here are five reasons why I'm sure my dentist never wants to see me ever again:

1.  I WAS WORSE THAN A CHILD.  I told her the minute I sat in the chair, "I don't like needles."  She was like, OK, no biggie, we'll start numbing your mouth with this topical cream right now and let it sit for a bit.  She started that process, then LEFT ME ALL ALONE IN THE CHAIR FOR 15 MINUTES.  So, naturally, I spent those 15 minutes freaking the F out.  I could literally feel my anxiety bubbling up, and I tried to push it down, but it was taking over and I was, truth be told, absolutely mentally losing it.  I tried to keep it all in my head and not show it on my face, because, you know, I'm a GROWN-UP and all, but the minute she walked back in to the room, I started to cry.  Yes.  I CRIED.  She hadn't even said anything yet, but I took one look at her, and cried like a four-year-old.  I was blubbering like a fool, snot bubbles and all.  It was humiliating.  Then...

2.  I HYPERVENTILATED.  Yes.  I sure did.  She started the needle, and I started breathing very loud and very fast until she finally stopped the needle and said, listen, you freakshow, settle the hell down, you're embarrassing yourself and scaring all the children in this office with your ridiculous sobbing, stop being such a goddamn baby.  (OK, fine, maybe she didn't say all that out loud.  But she said it with her eyes.  I know what she was thinking!)

3.  I VIOLATED HER STUFFY.  She asked if I wanted to hold something, and I nodded frantically.  So, she handed me a little green stuffed froggie.  I asked her if it was laced with a tranquilizer, or maybe something I could snort that would knock me out.  She just stared at me for a minute, then started up again with that blasted needle.  So, I held that stupid frog like it was my lifeline, for an hour and a half, and then realized when it was all over that I had the stupid thing practically wedged between my boobs, thanks to the position I had folded my arms into during one of my freakouts.  Poor Froggie.  I was very hot, and very sweaty thanks to the nerves, and he just saw too much that day.

4.  I QUESTIONED HER ABILITY.  About halfway through, I asked her if she was sure she was doing it right.  I started babbling, with my mouth half-frozen, about a bad dentist I once had who screwed up while giving me a filling and I ended up needing a root canal and I really don't want that to happen ever again because THAT was not even a tiny bit fun, so please, please Dentist Lady, please do this filling right, because if I have to have another root canal I. WILL. DIE.

5.  I MADE A RIDICULOUS EXIT.  The minute she pulled off that awful rubber dental dam and said, "you're done!", I didn't say, "oh, great, thank you," like any normal grown woman would.  No, instead, I dropped the little green boob-froggie and said, "OH MY GOD, I REALLY NEED TO GO PEE!"  Then I bolted from the chair and out of the office, leaving her and the hygenist, totally flabbergasted, looking on.

Just for the record, my dentist is awesome.  I'm sure she was behind schedule the entire day thanks to me, and she was very patient and kind and understanding through all of my drama.  Thanks, Dr. N.  I'm sure we both hope that I won't need any more fillings, like, EVER again.

Oh, and you might want to throw Froggie through the washing machine.

1 comment:

  1. is always good to tell the dentist you bite..really keeps them on their toes