Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I'll admit - this post doesn't paint me in the best light.

Sometimes (OK, fine, lots of times, WHATEVER), I say really stupid things.  I documented a few recent conversations, for your reading pleasure.  I wish these were made-up.  Unfortunately, they are not.  Please enjoy.  And know that I really am a somewhat intelligent person.  OK.  With that, here we go...

After seeing a movie with a friend where Jessica Alba works with penguins, I came home to Shawn and said, "Did you know that penguins are SMALL????"

Shawn: "Yeah, what are you talking about?"

Me: "Penguins are LITTLE!!!  Like, sort of knee-high!!!"

Shawn: "...Yes, Jamie.  They're birds."

Then, I kind of think he was afraid to, but he asked me how big I thought penguins were.  And the answer (which I am NOT proud of, by the way), is that I always thought penguins were human-sized.  IT'S NOT MY FAULT.  I have only ever seen penguins on like, the Discovery Channel or dumb kids' movies, and there are NEVER any humans around to compare them to, so I truly was surprised when Jessica Alba was surrounded by all these little midget penguins in this movie.  I honestly thought they were some kind of breed of dwarf penguins or something.  This was a couple years ago and to this day I have never been allowed to forget the fact that I thought penguins were the size of a grown-up person.  Shawn also informed me during that conversation that penguins can't actually tap dance, like they do in "Happy Feet."  I think he thought he was being funny.  I just thought he was being mean.


A couple months ago, we were all driving towards Hope, BC, which is very lush and green all the time.

AJ: "Where did all these trees come from?"

Shawn: "What do you mean?"

AJ: "Well, you know, there are so many.  How did they get there?"

This is the part where I should have just shoved more Pringles and Sour Patch Kids into my mouth, instead of opening it to speak.  But no.  I brilliantly say:

"Hey, that's a good question actually.  How DID all those trees get there?  I mean, that's an awful lot of trees!  Like, they are EVERYWHERE, people are super hard at work, or that is some kind of fancy planting machine!"

Shawn doesn't say anything at first, he just takes his eyes off the road long enough to stare at me like he can't quite believe what just came out of my mouth.  Then:

Shawn: "Oh, honey.  You DO know how trees work, don't you???"

Me: "Uh.  Yes??????"

Shawn: "OK, how?"

Me: "Um, well.  They get planted."

Shawn: "By who?"

Me: "Um.  Tree planters??? Or machines??"  *

Shawn is now regretting the decision he made, all those years ago, to knock up someone - TWICE - who doesn't even understand how trees work.

And then, my sweet little (jerk) of a son says:

"MOM!  The seeds fall OFF the trees and RE-PLANT!!  Sometimes the seeds stick to ANIMALS and then when the animal moves, they fall off and get planted!  OR, they fall off of PEOPLE and get planted!!!"


I guess it's just one of many more situations to come, where my kids get to prove that they are significantly smarter than I am.


Shawn: "Hey, did you see the whole thing about Britney Spears** and the Mars Rover?"

Me: "What?  Mars Rover?"

Shawn: "Yeah."

Me: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Shawn: "Well, I guess Britney tweeted something about the Mars Rover..."

Me (interrupting): "What is a Mars Rover?"

Shawn (blinking uncomprehendingly): "....are you being serious right now?"

Me: "Well.  Yes?"

Shawn: "OH MY GOD.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU.  The Mars Rover!!  The robot they put on Mars to take pictures?!?!  Ringing any bells?  It's KIND OF been a big news story lately?"

Me:  "Well I've never heard of such a thing.  How did they even do that?  It sounds like a hoax to me."

Shawn: "Holy shit.  NO, Jamie.  It's not a hoax.  I'll keep it simple for you.  They launched it into Space, and it landed on Mars.  And now it's there to take pictures."

Me: "THAT IS SO BOGUS.  And who's 'they???'  Whatever.  As if 'they' can launch a robot into Space and have it land EXACTLY on Mars.  No way."

Shawn: "JAMIE.  Yes.  It happened.  It's done.  That's what rocket scientists are for."

Me: "Yeah, OK, like Angry Birds.  Just LAUNCH it into Space, and ooooh looky there, it hits right where you want it to, ELEVENTY BILLION MILES AWAY.  Whatevs."

Shawn (his eyes are rolling, he's wishing he never even started this stupid conversation, and he's once again wondering WHY he chose to reproduce with this dummy): "Yes, dear.  It's exactly like Angry Birds.  And this whole crazy shenanigan was planned and executed by the human-sized penguins and the men who planted ALL THE GODDAMN TREES BETWEEN KAMLOOPS AND VANCOUVER.  It's pretty much like a remote control car, this silly 'Mars Rover' business.  In fact, I think they had garden gnomes at Master Control..."

I think he might be making that last part up.

*If I may, I'd like to just defend myself by saying that once I thought about it for a minute, it did occur to me that trees can self-seed.  I JUST DON'T DO WELL UNDER PRESSURE, OK!?!!?

**I am a die-hard-forever Britney Spears fan.  Oh, yes I am.  I can admit it proudly and without shame.  I love her.  I even made Shawn go to her concert with me.  She can shave her head and walk around with her lady-junk exposed and sleep with weirdos all she wants, I will still love her forever and I KNOW if we ever met in real life we would totally be besties.

1 comment:

  1. LMAO! I had to cover my mouth so I wouldn't wake up the kids when I read this post. Keep them coming!